Words
Here is a smattering of headlines/articles I wrote for The Onion: America's Finest News Source.
Below is a selection of headlines and articles I have written for The Onion: America's Finest News Source
Oh, you aren't into the fancy animated gallery? Here are some URLs instead.
NBA Cares Program Sends Chicago Bulls Players To Hospital To Visit Derrick Rose (Headline/Article)
Pope Francis Lays Hands On Ailing U.S. Infrastructure (Headline)
Girlfriend Surprises Rob Gronkowski With Relaxing Couple's CAT Scan (Headline)
Man Grateful To Live In Society Where Mattress Disappears If Left On Sidewalk For Couple Days (Article)
Budweiser Unveils Social Anxiety Bottle With 900% More Label To Pick At (Headline)
Disappointed First-Time Voter Thought He Was Going To Get To Pull Big Lever (Article)
College Professor Reminds Students It Will Take A Few Classes To Memorize Everyone’s Triggers (Headline/Article)
Nation Relieved Insufferable Little ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Don’t Have Book To Lord Over Them This Season (Headline/Article)
Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Italian BMT (Headline/Article)
Wealthy Father Nervously Waits For Response After Sending Donations To Son’s Top College Choices (Article)
Stunning Underwater Coverage Of PGA Event Provided By Goodyear Submarine (Headline)
Op-Ed: Within The Walls Of This Suburban Polling Place, I Am God (by an elderly poll worker) (Article)
Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arby’s Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Bacon Jalapeno Cheddar Slider (Headline/Article)
Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home (Headline/Article)
Applebee’s Steak Sent Back For Not Being Properly Slathered (Article)
Wade Phillips Spends Game In Front Of Sideline Mist Machine With Mouth Open (Headline/Article)
Report: 50% Of Heaven’s Population Just Assholes Who Begged For Forgiveness At Last Second (Article)
Man Ashamed Of Himself After Cashier Reads Food Order Back To Him (Headline/Article)
‘New Year, New Caleb,’ Announces Self-Assured 7th Grader On First Day of School (Article)
Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters (Headline/Article)
Ecosystem Sobered By How Yong Species Was When It Went Extinct (Article)
Smithsonian Acquires Rare Photograph Where Whole Family Looks Really Nice (Article)
New Uber Update Allows Users To File Lawsuit Directly In App (Headline/Article)
Heart Attack A Real Wake Up Call For Insurance Provider (Headline/Article)
Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay (Headline/Article)
Biden Urges Paul Ryan To Check Out Nude Scene From 'Porky's' On Phone (Headline)
5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visit To Penn State (Article)
North Korea Harvests Wheat In Show Of Growing Strength (Article)
Study: US Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts (Headline)
Man Figured Drug Addiction Would Take Up A Lot More Free Time (Article)
Frustrated UNC Student Too Busy Studying For Players’ Tests To Watch Title Game (Headline/Article)
Parents Outraged They Moved To Better School District For Child Who Turned Out Complete Idiot (Headline/Article)
Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball (Article)
Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs (Article)
Hungover Man Horrified To Learn He Made Dozens Of Plans Last Night (Headline)
Pope Francis Crushes Small Demon Crawling Across Papal Apartment Floor (Article)
Andy Reid Furious At Self For Poor Clock Management At End Of 72-Oz. Steak Challenge (Article)
Girlfriend Can Tell Man Bullshitting His Way Through Why That Was Holding (Headline/Article)
Study: Majority Of New Marine Life Now Discovered While Cleaning Oil Spills (Article)
Nation Fondly Recalls When Just Regulating Video Games Seemed Like The Answer To Gun Violence (Article)
Family At Restaurant Reminds Grandma What Food She Likes (Headline/Article)
Clinton Ominously Tells Supporters To Place Campaign Logo On Front Doors Before Sunset (Headline/Article)
Impoverished Monte Carlo Family Forced To Live Out Of Racecar (Headline)
Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle (Headline)
Clinton Aide Told To Leave Weak Volunteer Behind During March To South Carolina (Article)
Draymond Green Able To List From Memory Every Player Drafted Before Him In NBA History (Headline/Article)
Mom Sits Down To Dinner 3 Months After Rest Of Family Finishes Meal (Headline/Article)
Monaco Residents Scared To Walk By New Government Pent Housing Projects (Headline/Article)
New Report Reveals Kentucky Seniors Forced To Endure Hazing From Freshman Teammates (Article)
Mom Wants To Know If You’ll Be Free To Visit 14 Months From Now (Article)
Restaurant's Nacho Challenge Requires Participants To Watch Man Consume 9 Pounds Of Nachos (Headline)
ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down Recruitment Video Clips From GOP Debates (Article)
Study Links Clinical Depression To Being Dunked On (Article)
Child At 9/11 Memorial Service Sternly Reminded We Are Sad Today (Headline)
Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Move From Handful Of Minor Annoyances (Article)
Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again (Article)
Cocaine Dealer Most Upstanding Guy Wall Street Broker Knows (Headline)
Fox Producers Attempt To Tire Out Candidates Before Debate By Letting Them Run Around Outside (Article)
13-Year Old Excited To Learn Brother Forced To Move Back Home From College (Article)
Ted Cruz Responds To Moderator’s Question About Why Face So Fucking Infuriating (Headline/Article)
Jeb Bush Bungles Several Questions On First Day Back Home (Article)
Best Visual Effects Oscar Introduced By Prominent Lens Flare (Headline)
Chinese Buffet Has French Fries (Headline)
Scientists Reintroducing Group Of Normal, Well-Adjusted Humans Back Into Society (Article)
New Hampshire Covered In Shadow As Floating Clinton Campaign Headquarters Sets In Place Over State (Article)
Drunk Man Sprinting (Headline)
Report: Well, Here We Go (Headline/Article)
Parents’ Password A Grotesque Combination Of Children’s Names, Birthdays (Headline)
Doctors Recount Difficult Procedure To Separate Conjoined Splash Brothers At Birth (Article)
Toddler Figures It About Time To Shove Whole Plastic Easter Egg In Mouth (Headline)
Work Life, Personal Life Both Spent Desperately Trying To Appeal To Women 18 To 34 (Article)
Dubai Completes Construction On World’s First Full-Scale Replica Of Dubai (Article)
Anti-Doping Committee Unnerved By Bob Costas’ Repeated Requests To Submit Urine Sample (Headline/Article)
Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else (Article)
Secretary Of The Interior Meekly Asks If There Anything She Can Do To Combat ISIS (Article)
Mom Learns New Vegetable (Article)
37-Year Old Makes Heartbreaking Last Ditch Effort To Get Into Really Popular New Band (Article)
Each Member Of Family On Edge As Vacation Has Gone By Without One Blowout Fight (Headline)
Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life (Article)
Kerry Downs Another Vodka Shot As The Last Of Putin's Security Detail Passes Out (Headline)
[Lululemon] Executives Furious After Focus Group Leaves Product Testing With Self-Esteem Intact (Article)
Family Chooses Different Dog Than Reincarnated Grandfather (Article)
Man Sleeps Through His Stop On Elevator (Headline)
Obama Holds Camp David Summit To Ease Tensions With Coyotes (Article)
Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest (Article)
Tim Duncan Sternly Reminds Spurs About Maximum Occupancy Limit Of Locker Room (Article)
Teary-Eyed Student Loan Officers Proudly Watch As $200,000 Asset Graduates From College (Article)
Ted Cruz Provides Detailed Response To Moderator’s Question About Why Face So Fucking Infuriating (Headline/Article)
Man’s Garbage To Have Much More Significant Effect On Planet Than He Will (Article)
‘Game Of Thrones’ Fan Rewatching Past Episodes To Remind Self Of What Characters’ Breasts Look Like (Article)
Lakers Players Curious What It Must Be Like To Be Inspired By Kobe Bryant (Article)
World’s Marine Life Of Edge Now That SeaWorld Moving On From Orcas (Headline/Article)
Nation Finds Solace In Knowledge Candidates Taking Years Off Own Lives By Running For President (Article)
Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising (Article)
Man Prowling At Airport Gate Ready To Pounce Like Jungle Cat At First Sign Of Boarding (Article)
New Religious Freedom Bill Gives Small Business Owners Right To Annul Any Gay Marriage (Article)
New Yorkers Cower As Clinton Victory Speech Bellows Across Entire State (Headline/Article)
Overcrowded GOP Field Forces Iowa To Construct Massive Town Hall Stadium (Headline)
Having Awkward Conversation In Alternate Venue Referred To As 'Going Out To Lunch' (Headline)
Chevron Touts Green Initiative With Hybrid-Powered Oil Drilling Platforms (Headline)
Mike Florio Loses 3 Fingers After Accident While Working At Pro Football Talk Rumor Mill (Headline)
Oh God, Invitation To Lunch Somehow Trickled Down To Office Weirdos (Headline)
